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Olsen Twins Long For Days When Perverts Anxiously Awaited Their 18th Birthday

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:20:47 -0400

Olsen Twins Long For Days When Perverts Anxiously Awaited Their 18th Birthday:

Hipsters Ironically Boycott Where The Wild Things Are

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:22:58 -0400

Hipsters Ironically Boycott Where The Wild Things Are:

Despite raking in over $32 million during its opening weekend, Spike Jonze’s Where The Wild Things Are did not attract its expected audience. In an attempt to be ironic,…

Last Remaining Heroes Fan Raves About Lesbian Kiss To Nobody In Particular

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 05:16:54 -0400

Last Remaining Heroes Fan Raves About Lesbian Kiss To Nobody In Particular:

Charles Buckman, the last known fan of the NBC drama Heroes, has been raving to seemingly nobody in particular about the lesbian kiss that took place between costars Hayden…

Zach Braff Dispels Death Rumor With Poignant Voiceover

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:50:53 -0400

Zach Braff Dispels Death Rumor With Poignant Voiceover:

After the internet was flooded with false reports of his death, Zach Braff has responded the only way he knows how: with a poignant voiceover.

In a video posted to his website,…

Michael Vick Hopes New Show Will Help Fans Forget Dog Fights, Remember Herpes Outbreaks

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 04:44:08 -0400

Michael Vick Hopes New Show Will Help Fans Forget Dog Fights, Remember Herpes Outbreaks:

Upset that his reputation as a psychopathic dog fighter has overshadowed his zest for transmitting genital herpes to unsuspecting women, embattled quarterback Michael Vick…

Kid Manager Dooms Minnesota Twins Once Again

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:17:16 -0400

Kid Manager Dooms Minnesota Twins Once Again:

Overnight Millionaire Biff Tannen Opening Casino in Downtown Detroit

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 01:17:57 -0400

Overnight Millionaire Biff Tannen Opening Casino in Downtown Detroit:

Nefarious gambler and anti-manure lobbyist Biff Tannen has announced plans to erect a twenty-eight floor hotel and casino in downtown Detroit. Tannen, famous for legalizing…

Erin Andrews’ Peeping Tom High Fived While Arrested

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:52:23 -0400

Erin Andrews’ Peeping Tom High Fived While Arrested:

Michael David Barrett, the peeping tom responsible giving America the gift of Erin Andrews naked, was arrested last week at Chicago’s O’Hare airport by the FBI.

Though none…

Time Traveler Runs into Orlando Bloom in 18th Century England

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:28:57 -0400

Time Traveler Runs into Orlando Bloom in 18th Century England:

Out for some casual century hopping, time traveler Ralph Dockwell encountered a familiar face while gallivanting through London, 1778.

Hanging out at a pub discussing the recent dissent in…

Neil Patrick Harris Given How I Met Your Mother Spinoff Titled “The Show You Actually Want to Watch.”

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:14:58 -0400

Neil Patrick Harris Given How I Met Your Mother Spinoff Titled “The Show You Actually Want to Watch.”:

Since the premiere of How I Met Your Mother, fans have believed the sitcom would be far superior if it narrowed its focus to exclusively follow the exploits of Barney, the beloved…

Rogue Wikipedia Editor Has “Field Day” With The Mamas & the Papas

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 20:34:18 -0400

Rogue Wikipedia Editor Has “Field Day” With The Mamas & the Papas:

Jumping at the chance to make lewd jokes about rape and incest, a mysterious scofflaw has tormented Wikipedia moderators with his editing of the entry for The Mama & the Papas.

Since…

Taylor Lautner Traumatized As Pics of the Heartthrob Wearing a Shirt Float Around the Internet

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 22:14:26 -0400

Taylor Lautner Traumatized As Pics of the Heartthrob Wearing a Shirt Float Around the Internet:

Pictures of a shirt-wearing Taylor Lautner have gone viral, sending shock waves through the New Moon heartthrob’s fan base.

Lautner, wearing everything from a V-Neck to a Ringer T in the…

Baby Korean Girl Adopts Katherine Heigl

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:22:04 -0400

Baby Korean Girl Adopts Katherine Heigl:

10-month-old Hanuel Kim adopted Grey’s Anatomy actress/complainer Katherine Heigl just days after the actress adopted a baby Korean girl of her own.

“I couldn’t be happier to help a…

Jon Gosselin Inspiring Countless Asian Men Who Want to Have Sex With Trashy White Women

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:55:46 -0400

Jon Gosselin Inspiring Countless Asian Men Who Want to Have Sex With Trashy White Women:

To many observers, Jon Gosselin is a negligent father and media-whore. But to thousands of quiet Asian men, Jon Gosselin is just a whore, and a God for it.

“Growing up, I had a crush on…

Footage Cut From “Leno” Premiere Shows Host Repeatedly Reminding Kanye of Dead Mother

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 20:15:15 -0400

Footage Cut From “Leno” Premiere Shows Host Repeatedly Reminding Kanye of Dead Mother:

Footage cut from the premiere of The Jay Leno Show unveiled a rougher side to the talk show host, as he hectored guest Kanye West, repeatedly referencing his dead mother.

Members in the…

Erin Andrews Unfortunately Not Naked For Return to Work

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:47:34 -0400

Erin Andrews Unfortunately Not Naked For Return to Work:

Matt Damon Eats Ben Affleck To Gain Weight For The Informant!

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:51:39 -0400

Matt Damon Eats Ben Affleck To Gain Weight For The Informant!:

For his upcoming role in The Informant!, popular actor Matt Damon was forced to gain 30 pounds, a feat he accomplished by ingesting less-popular actor, Ben Affleck.

While many stars…

Police Department Reports It Would Never Pair a “By the Books” Cop with a “Rebel” Cop

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:37:28 -0400

Police Department Reports It Would Never Pair a “By the Books” Cop with a “Rebel” Cop:

After years of being portrayed incorrectly in TV and film, the LAPD debunked the notion that any police department would be so irresponsible as to partner up a straight-laced cop with an…

NBC Unveils New “More Blacks and Gays” Tagline

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 05:34:57 -0400

NBC Unveils New “More Blacks and Gays” Tagline:

In an attempt to quell the naysayers of their “More Colorful” slogan, NBC cut right to the chase and unveiled another new tagline: “More Blacks and Gays.”

“The public needs to know that…

Matthew McConaughey: “Even I Have No Idea How To Spell My Last Name.”

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 21:17:41 -0400

Matthew McConaughey: “Even I Have No Idea How To Spell My Last Name.”:

The Hollywood Ham: Mr. McConaughey, thanks for joining us.

Matthew McConaughey: Well, alright.

HH: So I see that you’re working — Wait, are you taking off your shirt?

MM: I cannot and will not…