October 2009
9 posts
Olsen Twins Long For Days When Perverts Anxiously... →
Hipsters Ironically Boycott Where The Wild Things... →
Despite raking in over $32 million during its opening weekend, Spike Jonze’s Where The Wild Things Are did not attract its expected audience. In an attempt to be ironic,…
Last Remaining Heroes Fan Raves About Lesbian Kiss... →
Charles Buckman, the last known fan of the NBC drama Heroes, has been raving to seemingly nobody in particular about the lesbian kiss that took place between costars Hayden…
Zach Braff Dispels Death Rumor With Poignant... →
After the internet was flooded with false reports of his death, Zach Braff has responded the only way he knows how: with a poignant voiceover.
In a video posted to his website,…
Michael Vick Hopes New Show Will Help Fans Forget... →
Upset that his reputation as a psychopathic dog fighter has overshadowed his zest for transmitting genital herpes to unsuspecting women, embattled quarterback Michael Vick…
Kid Manager Dooms Minnesota Twins Once Again →
Overnight Millionaire Biff Tannen Opening Casino... →
Nefarious gambler and anti-manure lobbyist Biff Tannen has announced plans to erect a twenty-eight floor hotel and casino in downtown Detroit. Tannen, famous for legalizing…
Erin Andrews’ Peeping Tom High Fived While... →
Michael David Barrett, the peeping tom responsible giving America the gift of Erin Andrews naked, was arrested last week at Chicago’s O’Hare airport by the FBI.
Though none…
Time Traveler Runs into Orlando Bloom in 18th... →
Out for some casual century hopping, time traveler Ralph Dockwell encountered a familiar face while gallivanting through London, 1778.
Hanging out at a pub discussing the recent dissent in…
September 2009
10 posts
Neil Patrick Harris Given How I Met Your Mother... →
Since the premiere of How I Met Your Mother, fans have believed the sitcom would be far superior if it narrowed its focus to exclusively follow the exploits of Barney, the beloved…
Rogue Wikipedia Editor Has “Field Day” With The... →
Jumping at the chance to make lewd jokes about rape and incest, a mysterious scofflaw has tormented Wikipedia moderators with his editing of the entry for The Mama & the Papas.
Since…
Taylor Lautner Traumatized As Pics of the... →
Pictures of a shirt-wearing Taylor Lautner have gone viral, sending shock waves through the New Moon heartthrob’s fan base.
Lautner, wearing everything from a V-Neck to a Ringer T in the…
Baby Korean Girl Adopts Katherine Heigl →
10-month-old Hanuel Kim adopted Grey’s Anatomy actress/complainer Katherine Heigl just days after the actress adopted a baby Korean girl of her own.
“I couldn’t be happier to help a…
Jon Gosselin Inspiring Countless Asian Men Who... →
To many observers, Jon Gosselin is a negligent father and media-whore. But to thousands of quiet Asian men, Jon Gosselin is just a whore, and a God for it.
“Growing up, I had a crush on…
Footage Cut From “Leno” Premiere Shows Host... →
Footage cut from the premiere of The Jay Leno Show unveiled a rougher side to the talk show host, as he hectored guest Kanye West, repeatedly referencing his dead mother.
Members in the…
Erin Andrews Unfortunately Not Naked For Return to... →
Matt Damon Eats Ben Affleck To Gain Weight For The... →
For his upcoming role in The Informant!, popular actor Matt Damon was forced to gain 30 pounds, a feat he accomplished by ingesting less-popular actor, Ben Affleck.
While many stars…
Police Department Reports It Would Never Pair a... →
After years of being portrayed incorrectly in TV and film, the LAPD debunked the notion that any police department would be so irresponsible as to partner up a straight-laced cop with an…
NBC Unveils New “More Blacks and Gays” Tagline →
In an attempt to quell the naysayers of their “More Colorful” slogan, NBC cut right to the chase and unveiled another new tagline: “More Blacks and Gays.”
“The public needs to know that…
August 2009
9 posts
Matthew McConaughey: “Even I Have No Idea How To... →
The Hollywood Ham: Mr. McConaughey, thanks for joining us.
Matthew McConaughey: Well, alright.
HH: So I see that you’re working — Wait, are you taking off your shirt?
MM: I cannot and will not…
Kate Gosselin Beginning To Look Attractive →
A recent poll has shown that men all over the country have become so repulsed by Kate Gosselin’s ubiquitous media presence that they are beginning to find themselves attracted to the…
Man Brutally Murdered After Admitting To Not Like... →
A discussion about the cult-hit The Wire turned deadly when 27-year-old Steven Shaw was stabbed by friends who could not comprehend his lack of passion for the HBO drama.
Tensions…
Creepy Guy at Bar Just Casually Mentioned That... →
A group of girls’ uncomfortable conversation with a man they deemed “a real creeper” took an unexpected turn when the man they thought to be a townie nonchalantly revealed his identity.
…
Peter Berg Considering Remake of Final 30 Minutes... →
After re-watching Hancock, director Peter Berg decided to put all upcoming projects on hold until he rectifies the film’s nonsensical ending.
“Well that didn’t turn out the way I…
Image of Sinbad Found in Burnt Toast →
Judd Nelson Receives Carton of Cigarettes as... →
In the wake of the death of John Hughes, actor Judd Nelson admitted that last Christmas marked the 24th straight year his father gave him a carton of cigarettes and told him to “smoke up.”
…
Dad’s Fears Realized When He Pauses Live TV and... →
After months of avoiding using his family’s new DVR, confused dad Hank Reilly saw his nightmare come true when he paused live television and was transported to an alternate reality in 1988.
“The…
D-Bag Convention “Coincides” With Dave Matthews... →
Disaster was averted at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA, after the arena was double booked last Friday night. However, the organizers were relieved when the two events scheduled, a concert…
July 2009
11 posts
TNT Admits To Never Actually Broadcasting the... →
TNT execs revealed that they only own the rights to second half of the film The Shawshank Redemption, and has never actually broadcast the first “hour or so.”
“Most Shawshank fans claim…
James Van Der Beek Unearthed in Archaeological Dig →
An archaeological dig in Turkey unburied former teen heartthrob James Van Der Beek, finally revealing where he’s been for the past decade.
While the goal of the dig was to uncover ruins…
Conan Appears on Letterman to Plug The Tonight... →
In an attempt to increase viewership, Conan O’Brien made a surprise appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman last night.
On hand to plug The Tonight Show, O’Brien seemed…
Sensitive Actor Zach Braff Feared Dead After Lack... →
If the lack of blog updates on ZachBraff.com are any indication, sensitive actor Zach Braff is dead.
Since its inception in 2006, Braff regularly updated his blog with captivating entries…
New Megan Fox Trailer Downloaded, Masturbated to... →
Horny teenagers and perverts of all ages flocked to their computers screens last week to celebrate the release of the Megan Fox vehicle, Jennifer’s Body. Reports indicate the trailer has…
Ryan Reynolds Cast in Every Unmade Superhero Movie →
Now that Ryan Reynolds has been tagged to play both Green Lantern and Deadpool, speculation has been put to rest with the announcement that the actor is attached to play the lead in all…
Kevin Eubanks Finally Getting Time to Dominate... →
Pandora Leads Man To Suspect He’s a Homosexual →
Music fan Cal Nielsen was left questioning his sexuality after he created a Depeche Mode station on the popular internet radio service, only to find himself rocking out to Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love”…
Only Person at Ed McMahon’s Memorial Service... →
Kal Penn The First of Many Non-Threatening... →
With House fans finally coming to terms with his departure, Kal Penn arrived in Washington to begin his job working for the Barack Obama administration. It marks the beginning of the…
Good Burger Quote Goes Over The Head of Fan of... →
Walking through the park during their lunch break, two women reminiscing about their favorite film, Good Burger, hit a snag when one could not recall the film’s signature line.
With no…
AP Reveals That 31 Celebrities Actually Died Last... →
Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Billy Mays…The list continues. The Associated Press announced today that they withheld the death announcements of 27 other celebrities in attempt to quell…
June 2009
18 posts
Michael Jackson Dead, Facebook Reports →
Social networking/news website Facebook interrupted its coverage of Farrah Fawcett’s passing to break the story of Michael Jackson’s death, as thousands of users updated their status…
White Guy Inexplicably Mistaken For Steve Urkel →
Charles Blatt, a seemingly nondescript, Caucasian man in his 30s looks nothing like a nerdy, African American teenager. Yet this didn’t stop a woman at a grocery store from thinking he was…
Guests Calling Barbecue at Michael Bay’s House ... →
Director and renowned blowhard Michael Bay left many guests disappointed after inviting them over for a casual, afternoon barbecue in his backyard. Expecting a simple meal, hungry friends…
Philip Seymour Hoffman: “It Gets Kind of Boring... →
The Hollywood Ham: Philip, you have built up a resume on par with the best ever. How do you do it?
Philip Seymour Hoffman: Listen, I know you’re excited to meet me, but I’m just like any other…
Middle Aged Lesbian Joins Cast of “Two and a Half... →
Even Joe Buck Can’t Stand Joe Buck →
After watching his new HBO program Joe Buck Live, sports announcer Joe Buck was surprised to find himself repulsed by the host. Right from the get go.
“Who’s decision was it to give Joe…
The Apprentice Recycling Sitcom Jokes As Donald... →
Confused Bono Facing Barrage of Questions About... →
U2’s lead singer spent the better part of the past week denying claims that he’s now a woman after a series of newspapers ran headlines such as “Bono Has Sex Change.” The news was in…
Confused Bono Facing Barrage of Questions About... →
John Malkovich Finally Nominated For “Choice Male... →